Shop of Books

If you were going to open up a shop, what would you sell?

If I were to open up a shop, I would sell books, because they are the gateway to imagination and knowledge.

Hands

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Hands that held me
As a newborn girl
Hands that picked me up
When I fell

Hands playing peek-a-boo
Causing a giggle
Maybe one or two
Along with a wiggle

Hands with arms
Embraced me in a hug
Hands that wiped 
My tears with love

Hands that washed 
My face each night
Hands that squeezed 
My hands real tight

Hands that cooked food
That was quite a sight
Hands that tucked me
Into bed each night

Hands that taught me
How to pray
Hands that showed me
How to play

Hands that worked
Long hours each day
Hands that made meals
In a creative way 

Hands their words said
I love you
Hands showed me
The love for You

Hands that touched me
With such love
Hands that describe
My Mother above

©Kimberly Balles 2022 All Rights Reserved.

A Voice

A voice 
Once heard
Is like a song
From a bird

A story
Once told
Is like 
Art to behold

A melody 
Once played
Is like a 
Rhythm that's made

Whether voice
Or story or melody
It then becomes
A thing of beauty

New Birthday

When I think of death, I think of it’s finality. We no longer see the person we love and experience their smile, their laughter, their joy, their heartache, their tears, their love, their personalities, and so much more. With death that ends and we grieve what we have lost. We grieve what is no more. We grieve what could have been if they were here. We lament and cry out to God, “Why did you have to take them?”. There is no answer that will satisfy.

I have been on that journey of grief since last August and even before then when my mom was no longer the person she used to be. Recently, I was thinking about heaven and what that would have been like for her to be there and it occurred to me that the day her body died and she went to heaven, she experienced a new date, a kind of birth date. The day she entered heaven was the day she experienced new birth. She was given new and eternal everlasting life.

Photo by Jess Bailey Designs on Pexels.com

I imagine God welcoming her in and maybe he doesn’t say “Happy Birthday”, but I’m sure he marks down the date and with each year they may celebrate the day she entered there. Now I’m no theologian and I know this is my own way of coping with the grief, but it does give me peace of mind and if it helps me then I hope it helps you. Your loved one is rejoicing in heaven and was welcomed home. They left this earth with all it’s worries, calamaties, sadness, and even celebrations to a place that knows no pain, no fear, no catastropic news to a place where there is nothing but pure joy.

So why can’t we rejoice in their ability to be free from this world’s struggles and their own struggles. Does this mean we stop grieving? By all means no. It can give us a new perspective though and new hope for the day when we will see them again and can have our “Birth” date in heaven with them celebrating together and worshipping our God and Savior.

Then we will hear Him say “Welcome Home! So glad you are here!” We will be with all the saints singing and praising God and my mother who was good at planning parties will be there to help plan the arrangements for our feast at the table. She may even be the one who shows me where I will be staying. Now that I can look forward to. The best part of all is our bodies will no longer be broken or confined. Our souls will be free from pain and worry. We will be free indeed!

Mourning Tears

The tears they flowed
Down my face
As one who grieved
Expressed her pain

I had no inkling 
Of the grief inside
It came as such a big surprise
Underneath my disguise

I sobbed so much
My heart was open
To let it go
The grief now spoken

Not in words
But in sobbing breath
I cried until
My tears were spent

I felt relief
I wasn't alone
Community was there
On the phone

They did not know 
The pain I bore
But they overheard
My crying there

I still am sad
My heart still mourns
But I look to God
My Savior, my Lord

He comforts me more 
Than anyone can
I hold onto
His outstreched hand

He reaches down
And scoops me up
I'm in his arms
And that's enough

Help me Lord
I'm weary here
I need your love
Now please draw near

He whispers to me
Like he usually does
There there my child
It's you I'm thinking of

I hold your tears 
In the palm of my hand
They're like a treasure
You find in the sand

I've dried your tears
Brushed them away
I'm with you always
Each and everyday

©Kimberly Balles 2021 All Rights Reserved.

When God Calls You

One evening God brought me to Proverbs 31:8-9. It says, “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” I was stunned when I read it. I had always affiliated Proverbs 31 with The Virtuous Wife. I had no clue that there were other verses right before those that speak to God’s heart for us to care for those who are in need. I really was stunned and read it over and over. I wrote it down on a 3 x 5 card and have it on my desk.

The first phrase “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves” had me wondering which group of people would God want me to speak up for. Who needs someone to speak up for them? Many people need that, but I sense there is a specific group he is calling me to, because to try to address each group is impossible for one person.

I have a degree in Social Work and these verses are Social Work verses. I have made excuses to not pursue his call on my life and since I wasn’t sure which direction he wanted me to go, I asked him one morning about this. He asked me a lot of questions. The one question he asked that stood out was, “What if your passion is your calling?” My heart beat a little faster as I thought about that.

I have taken care of my mom who had Dementia and recently passed away. I am part of an online Facebook group called Dementia With Grace Caregivers Support Group. The administrator specializes in Dementia and developed her own plan to help caregivers with the behaviors that people with Dementia exhibit. I have learned a lot from her. In a way she has been my mentor even if she doesn’t know it.

This passion though holds grief which needs healing. I need to work through it and not shove it down. He suggested that during this time of job searching to find jobs that interest me and to not make excuses to not apply. Those excuses will stalemate me and I will no longer engage in the process. It is a process. In the meantime, while I wait, he will set things in motion, he will grow and strengthen me and he will provide more clarity. I can learn more about the population I am passionate about. I can put aside excuses and remember that He calls the people and equips them so they can do what they have been called to do. I may not have enough experience or be the best at Social Work, but I have the building blocks to move forward.

So I have been doing that and I have had a few detours. I have learned how easy it is for me to get sidetracked thinking something is the right course. In reality it leads me down a rabbit trail that won’t benefit the journey and bring God the glory. I am so grateful when I sense that it is not the direction He wants me to go and that I don’t use up too much time. It is a lesson learned and a very valuable one.

Going forward, I will invite Him into the process and do a check-in with Him to see if this is where He wants me. I will be obedient to his call. In Him I place my trust. If it’s not for His glory, then it’s not the path He wants and I will look for a different path. May God have all the glory!

©Kimberly Balles 2021 All Rights Reserved.

The Goodbye

A gasp of breath escaped her mouth. There he stood outside her house, arms crossed, leaning against his car, and looking very relaxed. He was looking intently at her. Underneath the glow of the street lamp, she could see some of his physique. The square of his jaw, the strong shoulders that had embraced her, and his arms still muscular brought back a flood of emotions that she had long forgotten. Though she could not see his dark hazel eyes, she imagined what they would say to her if he was standing in front of her. Oh how she could imagine.

She ducked in the doorway thinking she could escape his gaze. Hoping he would leave she waited in the shadows of the overhang. A light unexpectedly turned on surrounding her with a luminous glow accentuating her beauty. The light shining on her revealed that she was more beautiful today than the last time he saw her. He gazed at her taking in every feature recalling her smile and the look of love in her eyes meant just for him. He imagined the uncertainty in her bright blue eyes and the struggle to contain her emotions.

He knew she did not anticipate his presence when she saw him. She looked like a rabbit about to run and yet remained as if cemented in place. He looked at her, hoping she would summon him over. Taking a risk, he stepped towards her needing to know if her feelings were mutual. After a few steps toward her she turned away like a rabbit, opening and shutting the door behind her.

He sighed, feeling rejected, yet not blaming her. His thoughts now on what he should do, knock on the door or drive away. It seemed her actions told him everything he needed to know. He turned and headed toward his car. The hurt he caused her appeared to still plague her and were now stirred up due to his appearance in front of her house. Pulling out his keys to his car, he took one last look at her house. He loved her and she left without knowing that.

Leaning against the door, she held her breath wondering if he would knock on the door and hoping he would. Moments later, she heard a car door open and shut, the engine turn on and the sound of a car driving away. She looked out the window. He left without pursuing her. Tears welled up in her eyes and in that moment she realized how deeply she loved him.

Her Eyes

She told the story with her eyes
Conveying much more than she surmised
And as her eyes looked back at him
His smiled widened into a grin

And as he opened up his heart
She sprang up with quite a start
For at that moment she knew he cared
Much more than she thought he would have dared

She grabbed her skirt and ran like fire
Afraid of her own great desire
To be loved and cherished too
She'd been hurt before its true

But then she slowed and pondered that
And headed back to wear he sat
And looking straight into his eyes
Her eyes told the story she could no longer hide

He reached out his hand and held hers close
His eyes spoke of love and now it showed
Her eyes responded with love anew
A beginning for them shining through

My Country

The first paragraph was written by my grand-step-father, Nicholas De Vries for a message he wrote. I liked it so much that I decided to include it in here. The paragraphs following his are mine.

“I love my country, America. I love her towering mountains, her dense forests, her fertile plains, her mysterious deserts, her intriguing shore lines, her great waterways, her magnificent highway systems, and so much more. But more than this, I love that big heart of my country–a heart that loves and pities, and cares and moves with speed and precision in times of great distress, at home and abroad to build new homes or shelters, to clothe the naked, to heal the sick, to feed the hungry, to ward off disease, and to do what needs to be done. This is my country–the country with a big heart, the land with boundless opportunities, marvelous beauty, and priceless freedom.”

Yet now our country is divided on so many issues and we are fighting against each other. We wish calamity on another human being yet are appalled when someone wishes it on someone else. The people of America are now filled with distrust. We don’t trust the media, we don’t trust science, we don’t trust police officers, we don’t trust our government, and most importantly we don’t trust each other. Every American has some form of mistrust toward some entity in our country.

How do we reconcile this? Are we willing to take responsibility for our own actions and attitudes, our own hatred towards one another because they are different or have different values and opinions? Can we trust again and how do we go about that? More to the point, did we every really trust each other? I don’t know if we did.

I think the pandemic created a fear unlike any we had seen in awhile. We were comfortably going on about our lives. There was no need to really fear as there was no pandemic. Remember that life, when you got in your car, went to the store without having to put a mask on, and you could stand behind someone instead of six feet away. You could smile and see facial expressions, tiredness in someone’s face, read their body language, the shuffle of their feet. You could visit your family and friends, have parties, travel, talk to your neighbors, play sports, go to school, go to work, go out to eat, and go to a movie. Not anymore!

Now we wear a mask in a public place, stand six feet apart from the people around us, cannot really tell if someone smiles, and everyone is very serious these days. Many children are learning what is taught to them in school at home. Parents have been working from home since mid-march when all life came to a standstill. Some have lost their jobs, some have lost their livelihood, some are in a major financial crisis, and sadly some have lost loved ones with no visitation, no funeral, and no final goodbyes.

Older adults are forced to stay in their rooms and those with cognitive issues are seeing a further decline than before. Imagine a year living in one room with your furnishings and with little interaction except for staff and your family. When family comes to visit it is outside by their window or by a window where staff brings someone down. If you do get a chance to visit there is no hugging, stay six feet apart, and wear a mask. People who are hard of hearing and rely on reading lips can no longer fully understand what is being told them.

Add to all of this the political turmoil and lack of people being able to work together to create laws or amendments for the people and not for their own agenda or political party. We demonize people in public office and have developed hatred in our hearts towards people we don’t even know. What if all Americans decided we would step above our political leaders and create harmony in this nation? What if metaphorically we dropped our mask, stepped towards one another, and stopped blaming each other?

Unless someone or group is willing to do something for this country and its people, we will continue to be divided. We will see the beauty of this country through eyes that have become shadowed with negativity for even a vacation away will prevent us from really enjoying ourselves and letting go of that internal struggle that now embodies our heart, mind, and soul. Let’s see each other’s hearts, be vulnerable, show compassion, and love towards each other. Let’s stop the divide!